1. My vibrator knows where my clitoris is.
2. I don’t have to clean my house or cook dinner because my vibrator wants to come over.
3. I have never once suspected that my vibrator was married or had a girlfriend. My vibrator is faithful, and has sex only with me.
4. After sex, my vibrator has never said: “I’m kind of hungry, can you make us a sandwich?”
5. My vibrator does not ask to check the score of the game before, during, or after sex.
6. My vibrator is never too tired to have sex. It lives in a dark drawer beside the bed and is happy to come out and play whenever I want.
7. My vibrator does not have a Madonna/whore complex and has never earnestly explained to me the difference between sex with good women and bad women. It also does not believe that it respects me too much to have sex with me before it marries me.
8. My vibrator doesn’t have an opinion on my makeup, clothing, or anything that I say or do.
9. There are no awkward silences during conversation with my vibrator. Indeed, we rarely speak at all.
10. I don’t have to date my vibrator.
In all fairness, you should probably read Why men are better than vibrators , too. 
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OMG! Preach on girlie! You are sooooo correct on every count… you’re also not afraid of getting knocked up by your vibrator!
You need to have a conversation with Jesus and get right with the Lord.
Is that right? Is Jesus opposed to vibrators? I was not aware of this fact.
You’re making trash out of yourself writing about self abuse and condoms and sex. You need to speak to the Lord and all your sins will be forgiven if you repent.
I don’t really recall ever mentioning condoms in the above post or at all on this blog. But while we’re on the subject…unprotected sex is for idiots, and every woman should carry a condom (or two or four or 10) in her purse. You never know when you’re gonna get lucky, right?
Oh, and before you tell me to have a conversation with the Lord about condoms, we’ve already spoken about it. It went something like this: ‘Please, Jesus, let me not be pregnant or have a venereal disease. Let me just be all right and i swear I will never, ever, ever have unprotected sex ever again.’
Well, he came through for me by making sure I wasn’t knocked up or dying of AIDS, and I made sure I kept my promise. And I figured his silence since then on the matter was tacit approval of my choices.
You don’t need to have protected sex if you only have it within the sanctity of marriage. You are going to BURN in HELL if you don’t change your ways. Ungodly people like your are ruining this country and trying to force sinful lifestyles on us. You run around saying two men should be allowed to get married and think homosexuality is not a sin when everyone knows what the Lord has to say about that! And He condemned to ruin and extinction the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, reducing them to ashes and set them forth as an example to those who would be ungodly. It says that in the Bible.
Okay, that is frigging IT. If you’ve got something to say to me, why don’t you just call me on the phone? You’ve got my number, all of my relatives do. It’s in the phone book, too, if you’ve misplaced it. Or you could just call your mother, I know she’s got it.
Yes, you IDIOT, I know who this is. I make my freaking living on the internet, plus I’m not a MORON like some of the jackasses who share my family tree. Notice how I keep answering your posts as soon as you write them? That’s because my blog emails me when it publishes a new comment, plus it lets me decide about new comments, letting me read them first before they post. Oh, and another thing it does? It shows me your EMAIL ADDRESS. yeah, that’s right. The same email address that you send me 10,000 religious quotes from every week. I knew who you were the entire time and I’ve been messing with you.
But I’m done messing around now.
You’re a coward. You can think whatever you want, and you can say it, too. I certainly do. You’re entitled to your own opinion, and I’m entitled to mine. But I don’t come to your damn house and sit in judgement or call you names while hiding behind ‘friendship’ as my reason. I expect the same courtesy.
I also expect an apology. And if you do this again, I’ll make sure everyone knows exactly which one of my relatives this was. Starting with your mom, and going up and down the line from there. Oh, and don’t try leaving more comments by changing your email address either, genius. I’ve got your IP address as well.
And while I sit here waiting for hell to freeze over, I think I’ll get drunk, smoke some pot, masturbate with not just one but two vibrators, and then have sex with the next person who knocks on my front door.
Excluding my relatives, of course. They screw me enough already.
Not that it’s necessarily important to how I choose to live my life, worship Wakan Tanka* and treat my fellow creatures with respect, but the moral of the story/ myth/ fable of Sodom and Gomorrah is to never, ever, be rude to anyone coming to you for hospitality.
It was a common ground rule in nomadic and other ‘primitive’ cultures and appears in a number of places in The Bible. If you need a reference, check out Ezekiel 16:49 – 50. Also follow the directive of Micah 6:8 (do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly).
* often translated as ‘Great Spirit’ but perhaps more accurately as ‘The Great Mystery’.
Sitting in judgment is also a Biblical no-no:
Jesus went unto the mount of Olives.
And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them.
And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,
They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.
Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?
This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.
So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.
And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
The one true God…kicks the snot outta gay bashing, sexually uptight, fear mongering, anal retentive ones like the one “a friend” is talking to. Glad I don’t pray to a horrible one like that.
Maybe your “friend” should read the REAL Bible, Barb. This person is a little confused!
Sorry to say it Barb but that’s vile.
Vile,disgusting and sinful.
I mean that’s akin to satanic behaviour and you say that noxious person is actually related to you?
As far as I’m aware hateful,judgemental behaviour isn’t a part of Jesus’ teachings.
I guess the fact that they posted anonymously shows a lack of courage of their convictions or perhaps awareness that being so sanctimonious needs a thinly veiled excuse such as their religion to be so nasty. Shame Jesus knows who they are.
Any way “friend” I still love you because I follow the real teachings of Jesus Christ. Love
I hope you soon find the true light really I do but you are not going to find it looking down,which I guess you do a lot because that’s where you feel most other people are. Look up,learn to love/like yourself. Really you won’t feel the need to be so unforgiving once you do. Makes a bit more room for Jesus too.
:excite:
I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. ~ Gandhi
LOL, I was totally UNAWARE that using a vibrator was “self abuse”. And I read it twice looking for the “condom” comment. Never found it.
I also dont think that God intended for single/divorced or widowed women to go through life being celebat. (sp) As far as “friend” is concerned, I dont think God takes too kindly for you to be so condescending. Have a talk with him, and ask why Barbs or anyone elses business upsets you so much.
Dear “friend”. Please give me my guide book back. You clearly don’t know how to use it properly.
Him
Correct me if I am wrong but I’m sure there’s a proverb in the Bible that says something about not judging others “lest ye be judged” yourself. Hmmm
oh-ho, a Pharisee found your blog! Now what was it that Jesus said about the Pharisees? oh yes, I remember,
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness” (Matthew 23:27-28, New International Version)
For the curious, the Catholic Encyclopedia provides this description of Pharisees: “A politico-religious sect or faction among the adherents of later Judaism, that came into existence as a class about the third century B.C. After the exile, Israel’s monarchial form of government had become a thing of the past; in its place the Jews created a community which was half State, half Church. A growing sense of superiority to the heathen and idolatrous nations among whom their lot was cast came to be one of their main characteristics. [snip]”
Sound familiar?
Unchaste hugs and kisses for all.
I don’t care what “a friend” says… this post is STILL too dang funny.
It always kills me when people hide behind Jesus and condemn others…. the Bible says that you shouldn’t judge… besides…
WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK CREATED SEX?!? DOH!
Oh… and as far as your statement, “You don’t need to have protected sex if you only have it within the sanctity of marriage.” –> When I reached the breaking point and left my hubster, I found out the bitter truth…. although, I’d been an honest, faithful wife for 18 years, he’d been having an affair with a VERY unsavory person. I thank God every day for condoms because I didn’t wind up with AIDS or an STD or an unwanted pregnancy from the bastage.